Confessions of an Egoist
I frequently think of my achievements in life. I boast of being a self-made man and say I will achieve more. I however feel foolish when the realization comes that the control lies elsewhere. This truth dawns on me when faced with difficult situations in life. We had to leave our place of residence at fifteen minutes notice at the time of partition of India in 1947 CE, I have been through periods of financial difficulties, my only sister suddenly died when hit by an automobile, my wife died of a rare lung disease and my two grandsons are autistic. My ego still does not leave me in spite of being reminded by Bhagat Ravidas:
ਜਬ ਕਛੁ ਪਾਵੈ ਤਬ ਗਰਬੁ ਕਰਤੁ ਹੈ ॥ ਮਾਇਆ ਗਈ ਤਬ ਰੋਵਨੁ ਲਗਤੁ ਹੈ ॥੧॥ ਰ ੪੮੭
Man boasts when he achieves something; if he loses wealth he starts crying (Ravidas, SGGS, p 487).
The strings seem to be held by someone higher. I am reminded of this every time but again go into the forgetful mode. I admonish myself in the words of Guru Amar Das:
ਹਮ ਕੀਆ ਹਮ ਕਰਹਗੇ ਹਮ ਮੂਰਖ ਗਾਵਾਰ ॥ ਕਰਣੈ ਵਾਲਾ ਵਿਸਰਿਆ ਦੂਜੈ ਭਾਇ ਪਿਆਰੁ ॥ ੩ ੩੯
I did this, I will do that, I am an ignorant fool; Duality has made me forget the Creator, the real doer (M: 3, SGGS, p 39).
God is the cause and executor of all action, but I start thinking I can do it. I know man cannot be equated with God but forget that when in the show-off mode. This is duality the real cause of delusion. I do this despite praying like all Sikhs in Ardas, our supplication to the Almighty:
ਸਿਖਾਂ ਦਾ ਮਨ ਨੀਵਾਂ ਮਤਿ ਉਚੀ ।
May the Sikhs be humble in mind and high in thinking.
May the Sikhs be humble in mind and high in thinking.
I am incorrigible it appears. I try hard to concentrate during recitation of Nitnem or when listening to Keertan and Katha. But the mind goes astray mostly because I keep thinking “yes this is how I will tell others, or this is what I will do about this” and what comes next in the Paath, Keertan or Katha is lost to me. It is probably because I just recite without trying to understand. When listening to the Keertan I seem to sway more with the music than concentrate on the content. Guru Nanak says:
ਜਿਨਿ ਕਹਿਆ ਤਿਨਿ ਕਹਨੁ ਵਖਾਨਿਆ ॥ ਜਿਨਿ ਬੂਝਿਆ ਤਿਨਿ ਸਹਜਿ ਪਛਾਨਿਆ ॥ ਦੇਖਿ ਬੀਚਾਰਿ ਮੇਰਾ ਮਨੁ ਮਾਨਿਆ ॥੬॥ ੧ ੨੨੧
One, who just says, only keeps saying; he who understands, experiences easily; this seeing and experiencing is satisfying for the mind (SGGS, P 221).
What the Guru told me, and is still telling, is that I only read Gurbani; I do not try to understand and hence the affliction continues. So I tried to understand Gurbani but my ego created more problems. Gurbani says that scriptural knowledge is for improving the self and for service of humanity but I use it for getting into arguments with others. I often find myself finding fault with others’ understanding of Gurbani. In fact I look for opportunities when some one makes a mistake according to my understanding and am disappointed if that does not happen. Finding faults with others seems to have become my nature. I often tell myself that the following words of the fifth Guru aptly apply to me:
ਜਉ ਦੇਖੈ ਛਿਦ੍ਰੁ ਤਉ ਨਿੰਦਕੁ ਉਮਾਹੈ ਭਲੋ ਦੇਖਿ ਦੁਖ ਭਰੀਐ ॥ ਆਠ ਪਹਰ ਚਿਤਵੈ ਨਹੀ ਪਹੁਚੈ ਬੁਰਾ ਚਿਤਵਤ ਚਿਤਵਤ ਮਰੀਐ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥ ੫ ੮੨੩
One who criticizes others feels enthused to see a mistake; he is unhappy when no mistake is made; he keeps thinking like this all the time; he achieves nothing and perishes in evil thoughts : Pause : ((M: 5, SGGS, p 823).
The habit still does not go.
I remind myself of statement made by a speaker “if one who preaches starts acting then who will preach”? There must be some truth in it because it shows when I look at my own conduct.
At times I ask myself as to why I do not follow what I study and even preach to others. I seemed to know the reason when I read:
ਕਰਮ ਧਰਮ ਜੁਗਤਿ ਬਹੁ ਕਰਤਾ ਕਰਣੈਹਾਰੁ ਨ ਜਾਨੈ ॥ ਉਪਦੇਸੁ ਕਰੈ ਆਪਿ ਨ ਕਮਾਵੈ ਤਤੁ ਸਬਦੁ ਨ ਪਛਾਨੈ ॥ ੫ ੩੮੦
ਕਰਮ ਧਰਮ ਜੁਗਤਿ ਬਹੁ ਕਰਤਾ ਕਰਣੈਹਾਰੁ ਨ ਜਾਨੈ ॥ ਉਪਦੇਸੁ ਕਰੈ ਆਪਿ ਨ ਕਮਾਵੈ ਤਤੁ ਸਬਦੁ ਨ ਪਛਾਨੈ ॥ ੫ ੩੮੦
Man performs many rituals and employs other methods oblivious of the Creator; he preaches but does not practice because he does not try to know the essence of the Divine Word ((M: 5, SGGS, p 380).
With the mind in turmoil and having failed to remain on the right path I need to fall back upon the Creator;
ਸੇਵਾ ਸੁਰਤਿ ਰਹਸਿ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਵਾ ਗੁਰਮੁਖਿ ਗਿਆਨੁ ਬੀਚਾਰਾ ॥ ਖੋਜੀ ਉਪਜੈ ਬਾਦੀ ਬਿਨਸੈ ਹਉ ਬਲਿ ਬਲਿ ਗੁਰ ਕਰਤਾਰਾ ॥ ਹਮ ਨੀਚ ਹਤੇ ਹੀਣਮਤਿ ਝੂਠੇ ਤੂ ਸਬਦਿ ਸਵਾਰਣਹਾਰਾ ॥ ਆਤਮ ਚੀਨਿ ਤਹਾ ਤੂ ਤਾਰਣ ਸਚੁ ਤਾਰੇ ਤਾਰਣਹਾਰਾ ॥੩॥ ੧ ੧੨੫੫
With the understanding gained through the Guru’s teachings, focusing my consciousness on service and singing Your praises makes me ecstatic O Lord; one who delves into the Guru’s teachings blossoms, the arguing type perishes; I am sacrifice to such a Guru; I am lowly and of poor intellect, the Word transforms me; those who try to understand the self are saved by the Lord who alone can save (M: 1, SGGS, p 1255).
People are kind when they tell me I am a go-getter, a live wire. Such compliments probably given out of courtesy get into my head. It makes me think I am better than others. As I look back I find it is not new. I have always thought I am different from others. Normally babies are born head first. My case was different; I was born with legs first. My father told me it was the same in his case. So I started equating myself with him. This was reinforced when people started telling me I look exactly like him so much so that I have sometimes been mistaken for him. He was a very active man and I thought I was also as active as he was. I was however put in my place when my daughter told me I was no where near him in this regard.
After my wife passed away I tried to believe I was independent and would not miss her much. This lasted for a while but I was stressed and started feeling something missing. Luckily I was able to accept Hukam and was not heart-broken. Marriage is a profound experience and I realized the missing aspect soon. I think of her and talk to her; being with her was a blessing; I cherish her.
I am a Sikh and try to live according the gurus’ teachings but also act as if Guru Sahib has anointed me to preserve and defend Sikhi. I give sermons to any one I can. If some one violates Sikh Reht Maryada I always point that out. People are obviously kind because rarely any one has questioned my doing so. One young girl however told me “I do not agree with you” and a senior friend told me “You are living in the eighteenth century”. I pointed out to a Granthi the mistakes he was making in Ardas. I thought this was easy to handle because I had only to refer to The Sikh Reht Maryada, the Sikh Code of Conduct, and the Gutkas (booklets) issued by the Shiromani Gurdwara Parbandhak Committee (SGPC). However I had not realized that there was a slight difference between the two. The name of the eighth Guru in the Gutkas is given as ‘Hari Kishan’ but in the Reht Maryada as ‘Hari Krishan’ with an ‘r’ added. He asked me to get my facts right first.
God has been very kind to me as far as health is concerned. I am fairly healthy and active at the ripe age of 76 years. I am also not on any medication. In my conversation with others I often want to impress people by asking them to judge my age. I had once accompanied my then 93 years old father to hospital. The doctor attending to him was surprised at his healthy skin and asked me what he ate. I said he ate simple food. I often imagine being asked by the doctors or others about my good health and keep thinking what I will say that I do.
I am the eldest offspring of our parents. My brothers and their families are very kind and respectful as are my children. Here again I find it hard not to assert myself with what are some times called old ideas, or sometimes simply ego.
A Gurdwara was established in our new colony and people were enthusiastic. I was honored with the post of the President of the management committee. Some people asked me to start the practice of Parbhaat Pheri, the morning rounds of the devotees before major Gurpurabs or the birthdays of the Gurus. I thought not many people would join at five on a cold morning. The very first round had very good attendance. While on the round I said to my self “Rawel Singh teri phook nikal gayee” (you have been deflated).
I have been trying to control my ego. I thought the best place to start this was when meditating or doing Paath i.e. reciting Gurbani. Yes letting the flow of Gurbani being natural helped but I found I was only reciting not understanding what I was saying. The thoughts started wandering after a while and I felt that efforts must be made to both understand Gurbani and stop the mind from wandering. I felt this effort was the other name for ego but it was helpful. I was indulging in egoistic action to overcome ego.
I however do not feel completely hopeless. This is a practical problem and there has to be a way to address it. Yes there is. I am reminded of Guru Angad’s Slok in Aasa Di Vaar:
ਹਉਮੈ ਏਹਾ ਜਾਤਿ ਹੈ ਹਉਮੈ ਕਰਮ ਕਮਾਹਿ ॥ ਹਉਮੈ ਏਈ ਬੰਧਨਾ ਫਿਰਿ ਫਿਰਿ ਜੋਨੀ ਪਾਹਿ ॥ ਹਉਮੈ ਕਿਥਹੁ ਊਪਜੈ ਕਿਤੁ ਸੰਜਮਿ ਇਹ ਜਾਇ ॥ ਹਉਮੈ ਏਹੋ ਹੁਕਮੁ ਹੈ ਪਇਐ ਕਿਰਤਿ ਫਿਰਾਹਿ ॥ ਹਉਮੈ ਦੀਰਘ ਰੋਗੁ ਹੈ ਦਾਰੂ ਭੀ ਇਸੁ ਮਾਹਿ ॥ ਕਿਰਪਾ ਕਰੇ ਜੇ ਆਪਣੀ ਤਾ ਗੁਰ ਕਾ ਸਬਦੁ ਕਮਾਹਿ ॥ ਨਾਨਕੁ ਕਹੈ ਸੁਣਹੁ ਜਨਹੁ ਇਤੁ ਸੰਜਮਿ ਦੁਖ ਜਾਹਿ ॥੨॥ ੨ ੪੬੬
Haumai (ego) becomes part of nature and one acts in ego to show one’s existence; this Haumai becomes bondage making one go through reincarnations; (the question arises) where does Haumai come about and how can one get rid of it? (Answer) Haumai is ordained as a result of Karma and keeps one reincarnating; this affliction lasts long but its cure also lies in itself; when the Creator shows His grace one acts on the Guru’s teachings; listen O’servants of God, this is the way to be rid of this suffering (M: 2, SGGS, p 466).
So the answer lies in following the Guru’s teachings. Guru Tegh Bahadur the self-effacing Guru says that showing self importance is a common phenomenon, so pray:
ਜਤਨ ਬਹੁਤੁ ਮੈ ਕਰਿ ਰਹਿਓ ਮਿਟਿਓ ਨ ਮਨ ਕੋ ਮਾਨੁ ॥ ਦੁਰਮਤਿ ਸਿਉ ਨਾਨਕ ਫਧਿਓ ਰਾਖਿ ਲੇਹੁ ਭਗਵਾਨ ॥੩੪॥ ੯ ੧੪੨੮
I have tried hard but my ego does not go; I am caught in evil, my God please save me (M: 9, SGGS, p 1428).
But we have to do something; prayer will help if we act but not in ego. The way could be accepting our helplessness and submitting ourselves to the Ultimate Lord and saying:
ਅਬ ਹਮ ਚਲੀ ਠਾਕੁਰ ਪਹਿ ਹਾਰਿ ॥ ਜਬ ਹਮ ਸਰਣਿ ਪ੍ਰਭੂ ਕੀ ਆਈ ਰਾਖੁ ਪ੍ਰਭੂ ਭਾਵੈ ਮਾਰਿ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥ ੫ ੫੨੭
Accepting failure I seek the sanctuary of the Master; now that I am at Your mercy O Lord it is up to You to save or kill me (M: 5, SGGS, p 527).
I hope I can follow this sincerely.
Sunday, 28 December 2008 23:28
Last Updated on Sunday, 28 December 2008 23:28
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